Hold Please

Ok I'm going to attempt to recap the many crazy thoughts, feelings, and adventures I have had in the past month. No guarantee this is going to make sense...but this is more for my own personal record anyway. This is somewhat of a journal for me and I think of all my posts this one is a bit more journalesque.
I have been thinking back over the experiences I have had in the past year and especially the spiritual journey I have undergone as I have tried to figure out why the heck the Lord prompted me to uproot myself, leave my friends & my job, and move back to Oregon...and stay with my family. Now I love my family (so family don't take this wrong!)...but I am not the type of person who would normally be living at home at this point in my life. I'm not comfortable just hanging out and not knowing when I'm going to leave home...it's been a internal struggle. I like being home, I know I'm welcome, but...I feel like at my age I should be out on my own. So In the past year as I have researched different options and prayed about moving forward with them it has been really frustrating to get the answer "That is a great plan Jessica...but not right now." I feel like in the movie Galaxy Quest when Siguorney Weaver's character says *Hold Please* and poor Tim Allen is just left hanging.
For those of you who haven't seen this movie... let me paint a picture. Ok so it's a spoof on all the Star Trek movies and these washed up tv show actors from the tv show Galaxy quest end up in real life alien stuff when they think they are doing a gig...anyway. So Tim Allen's character is down in dire peril and he is trying stuff but it's not working and so he asks his crew, up on the ship, to help him out over this little com link thing. So it comes down to one guy needing to work this machine that is dangerous and he is nervous so he tries it on a monster first and the monster turns inside out and explodes all over the crew in the ship(less graphic then this sounds I promise). Time Allen is like...come on guys...and one of the aliens is like "but it turned inside out..and exploded" and Tim Allen says "WHAT??" and the girl talking to him on the com link says "Hold Please", I feel like that is the answer I keep getting *Hold Please* And I feel like there is a lot more going on behind the scenes then I am aware and while I'm down here in the action there is a lot of behind the scenes stuff going on and so when I keep asking for info I keep getting this *Hold Please*...not a flat out no or go ahead proceed, or make up your own plan...just *hold please* That is the best way I can describe the way I feel.

This is the longest post I think I have ever written so for those of you who are not interested in my journal ramblings here are the highlights (the long version follows)
Utah trip:
~wedding in St. George for old roommate- tons of fun and beautiful weather
~haircut/ music/ and general fun times with old roommates, also lots of Cafe Rio!
~loved seeing the nieces and Norma, Ward, and Jayme
D.C. trip:
~all work no play!
~OK there was a shopping trip for my cousin Robin and a nice lunch with my aunt. No time or energy for a repeat of last time's shopping trip.

Now on to the long version:
I arrived back from my Utah trip safe and sound, although somewhat exhausted, after my whirlwind trip. My new care did nicely and I loved driving it! It was really too short, and saying goodbye was immensely depressing! I think I have been blessed in my life with a generally positive attitude about life. Being back among my dear friends and old work environment where I was so greatly appreciated was so refreshing and I confess I felt pretty depressed not knowing when I would see them all again. I have been wanting to take that trip to Utah since October....and I made it in March....hence you can see my depression. I wanted so badly to say I would see them all again in the summer, but honestly I don't know what I'm doing in two weeks so how can I plan that far in advance. I'm so grateful for the knowledge that Heavenly Father is guiding my life, but it has really been a growing experience to not have a plan I could really move forward with. I keep trying to do my part and work out several plans...weigh my options...make them a matter of prayer...basically try and move forward with my life in a way that I can actually explain to people what I'm doing. All of this seems to be to no avail as I keep getting the answer *hold please*. I was immensely frustrated with this before my trip to Utah. I just kept looking for what I needed to be doing because I felt like I was in this limbo and I just kept feeling wrong about moving forward with anything I was exploring and I felt like a failure. Shortly before I left I decided there were three options I needed to pray about.

One...it was one of those cases where all the options were good and I just needed to press forward and trust that the Lord would stop me if I was headed in the wrong direction. I hadn't felt that way thus far but I decided I needed to explore that option and pray about it and let the Lord know I was willing to move forward and pick my own option if that is what he was saying...just to help me feel good about moving forward. Two...none of the options were right and there was some other direction I should be heading in and I just wasn't seeing it..in which case I felt like I was in serious need of help from the Lord to direct me. Third...I was doing exactly what he wanted and while the options I was praying for were good they were not what he wanted me to do at the moment. In which case I needed to pray for peace with my situation because I was having some serious anxiety. So after I decided this I expressed my desires and my reasoning and what not to the Lord and asked for these things. After I prayed I got a feeling of peace and again the impression that my own life was on hold but I was doing what he wanted right now. I thought...ok I'm not sure what I'm doing right now but if I have this peace then I know I'm where I'm supposed to be. So we painted and it was super busy and then I left for Utah and on the way down my dad called to say my grandpa was wanting to do knee surgery like the day after I got back from my Utah trip and was I willing to go. All of the sudden I could see why some of those options were not what the Lord wanted me to do. I remember a feeling of relief washing over me as I was driving...thinking ok that's why I wasn't supposed to get a job and all that other stuff. So I missed out on the choir thing I was a part of for Easter but it was a small price to pay. I was definitely needed back here with my grandpa. Having that knowledge made it easier to bear explaining the unexplainable future to everyone while I was in Utah, plus I still had the peace I had prayed for. I had tons of fun staying with Norma and the girls and it was nice to be there when Ward was in the hospital because I felt like I could help out. It was so sad to say goodbye to the girls...I have always been around them and it's weird that I'm so far away. I spent a lot of time with my roommates and Heather's wedding was so fun. I didn't imagine being so involved in it when I wanted to go down. I thought having only lived with Heather for a short time that her friends from the mission and for before would kind of be more who she would turn too and I was prepared to take a back seat and just be there for the sealing and reception and hit the road. It was so fun to be so involved. We were with Heather the night before she got married and then helped while she had her hair and makeup done and then after the sealing we were with Heather and E.J. lots and it was just wonderful. It was a good feeling and I'm so glad I was able to go. I think I held heather's bouquet for half of the reception because she kept handing it to us so she could do something. People kept asking if I had caught it and I was like...nope she hasn't even thrown it yet. The next post will have some pictures from the wedding. I absolutely loved Heather's reception. The colors were so here and so fun and she had a candy table and her wedding pictures were beautiful. I took a picture of one because I wanted to remember it for when I get married and have wedding pictures. Besides the wedding I also had fun with Amber and Kate. Kate helped bring me up to speed on music and I came back with quite a selection of things to try out and see what I liked. Kate cut my hair. I cut off about 4 inches of all around length..so just a nice big healthy trim. Kate was reluctant to cut off too much length...but then again so was I. It's fun having it long again. She layered my hair beautifully and cut some bangs that fall between chin and lip. It just makes a nice accent if I want them around my face. I love it. I will try and get some pics up. My hair was straight in the wedding pics and while you can see the layers it's always longer when it's straight so it doesn't look shorter. Amber and I had some great talks and just a good time together on our road trip and stuff. Amber and Kate have this grand plan that we should all move in together for the summer. The plan sounds great to me...but as I just keep getting a *hold please* answer I'm not sure what's going on until after April.

My time here in D.C. has been full of caring for my grandpa. I have loved spending time with my aunts Jill and Myrene and of course my grandpa. I arrived on Tuesday and went immediately to the hospital to take the night shift. I figured I was still on Oregon time and I was fresh so it would be fine. Last time I was on the floor every night and this time it was a cushy set up. I had a bed in both the hospital and the care center...not that I got a whole lot of sleep in it but still much better then the floor. The first night was pretty easy stuff and I went home and slept...got up in time to shower and head back over again. That was pretty much my routine the whole time he was in the hospital and care center. I was with him from about 7pm to 9am and then I would drive home, eat, then sleep until 4ish and shower and eat and head back over. So there wasn't much action to report on this time. My grandpa's wife headed off to Florida with some girlfriends on a trip they had planned long before the surgery and so it was just me and Jill from last Monday till Friday evening when his wife returned. My grandpa is doing pretty good. He is still in considerable pain. The pain medication was a tricky thing because the first one they gave him made him throw up...all night! I was the lucky one who got to be there to deal with that....which was fine. Now I know that some day when I have kids throwing up I will be just fine to clean it all up. It's always good to know what you can handle. Then the other pain medications made him a bit delusional. I don't really want to post about that on here...but there are some funny stories! We got a handle on it for a few days there but now he is still in pain and the doctor took the staples out today and is testing his blood to make sure there is no infection. When he was in the hospital the nurses didn't change his catheter bag and it backed up and overflowed and then he got a little minor infection...they got rid of it when he was transferred to the care center and things looked ok but now there is some question of infection again, only this time in the knee as his knee is in pain and a bit hot to the touch....so we are praying for the best. I did get out for two days and do some nice stuff and I had all Saturday to sleep and relax. I got to go shopping with my aunt and cousin and we helped my cousin go get a hair cut and get some new outfits and then today I had a little adventure with my aunt myrene. We went out to lunch and had a great chat and then since it was raining and not conducive to strolling the monuments we just drove through Kenwood and looked at the cherry blossoms...it was beautiful. I only wish the weather had been nice so we could have been out walking.
Now I head back home and a little less then two weeks before my mom has her knee surgery. Then after that....the wide open future...perhaps I will get taken off hold, but who knows. For now I'm content to know that I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing and that the future will take care of itself.